A New Years Post...
I wrote this post as 2012 was drawing to a close.  It was hard for me, looking back, not to dwell on the sadness and pain and grief that came during the year, so this final entry took a long time for me to finish.

In 2012, I faced a parent's greatest nightmare, the worst fear of them all.  On the final day of January, the only daughter I birthed, Eva, died at the age of 44.  My grief has not ended. I miss Eva in my life. 

In October of 2012, my friend, my husband's mother, Norma Becknell died. My mother in law and I saw one another regularly for 30 years, from 1982 when her youngest son brought me home to meet his parents until the day of her death. We enjoyed coffee, garage sales, her husband Gadget (who died in 1996), their "full of personality" dogs, their wonderful friends and family, both new and old.  I liked Norma's artwork and portraits.  We had fun making beds and cleaning and cooking together.  The smallest things brought laughter and joys.  Together!.  After years of smoking together, we quit together.  Always through the years, we chatted together, we shopped together, and together we had a great time. Norma will always be a blessing to me.  I miss her in my life.

Last Thanksgiving I wrote the following--I am thankful for my children.  I will always wish that my daughter and my son had a better, fuller life, that they’d been able to travel more widely and meet more people and that they’d been exposed to more ways of doing things and seen more of life….but my best wishes for my daughter and my son are just one more way that I know I am thankful for them both.  I am thankful that my daughter, although she is an adult with a family and friends and problems and joys of her own, she stops sometimes and tells her mother that she loves her.  She doesn’t forget me.  I am thankful that my son although he is an adult, helps out with things that need to be done, cooks deliciously, steps in to lend a hand when things are too heavy or too much hard work, occupies himself without looking to me or my husband to keep him from being bored living in the country with no place to go…and he, too stops sometimes to tell his mother that he loves her.  

I would have to make changes to the note above.  My daughter died January 31, 2012.  I am thankful that I knew Eva from the moment of her birth until the time of her death, all  44 years of her life.  For her, I still grieve.  For her I always wished a wonderful life full of travel and people and ways of doing things and seeing things that would make her life one of blessings and joys.  May my daughter Eva now rest in peace.   As an adult with a family and friends and problems and joys of her own Eva always stopped to include me in her life and she always stopped to tell her mother that she loved her and that she hadn't forgotten me.  I am thankful for all the times we were together and will never forget a single one.  Sometimes my son and I talk and he tells me that he misses having Eva in his life.  It has been tearful for me to see and talk to my grandchildren, but I am thankful to know them both, parents today, I'm delighted to see Eva mirrored and see how she has given some of the best parts of herself to her children and in her grandchildren!

More about the old year

In the winter months of 2012, it never snowed.  It was very cold in the spring so I was late to put my winter garden plants into the ground.  We got baby chicks, but it was so cold for them that I worried how they would fare.  Spring came then after everything was covered in tiny green buds the weather froze one last time.  Our property taxes fell due and I hadn't saved enough money to pay them.  The price of gas was so high we stopped most of our traveling.  We stopped eating out.  I occupied much of my time looking for coupons and discounts and rearranging our spending habits, saving for the next taxes and insurance that would fall due.  Our stock market investment share value fell from a few dollars to a few cents and my IRA lost its worth.  In the summer months it was very hot and very dry.  There was no rain for long stretches and my garden simply burned up.  My electricity bill stayed healthy though, and my water bill.  I caught the flu Thanksgiving and was abed for a week before I went to the doctor to find out that the flu had evolved into pneumonia and that Mike, too had the flu.  The year ended with stormy weather and loss of electricity for long periods of time.  The world didn't end as predicted on December 21.

There were, however, in 2012 many pluses!  The chicks were fine and healthy.  In spite of my worries they grew up and started laying eggs before the summer was over! I enjoyed being a grandmother when Chloe and Trinity came and visited us for a couple of weeks in the summer.  My niece Crystal came and spent the night with us and brought her husband Mike and Alley, her teenage daughter.  In August I went to the Nagel Family Reunion held at the resort next door to my brother Doyle's farm in Gainsville, Texas.  Nagel is the last name of my maternal grandparents, my mother's parents.  I enjoyed seeing my Aunt and my Uncle who are still living and cousins and and their children and grandchildren.  I saw some of my forever friends, some cousins I had not seen in a long time,  and some cousins for the first time. My daughter Dawn came to visit for Thanksgiving and brought her son who is just learning to drive and her daughter who is in preschool.  The springtime was welcomed and was beautiful.  The summer included swimming and exploring.  The fall was a wall of vibrant color and brought holidays and love.  December brought Christmas and reminded me once more that my daughter was a wonderful person.  She was one of those people who, no matter how far away in time or distance was someone she called friend, she always remembered to let them know she loved them.  My mailbox was full to the brim with cards and letters from my own family and friends and also good wishes and hugs from those who loved and missed my daughter, sharing their own Christmas with me.  The world didn't end as predicted on December 21.

The New Year came in quietly.  Mike was asleep and Mike2 and I had only beer to make a toast with.  The neighbors shot few fireworks, so when  Mike2 found some old bottle rockets, we shot two of them into the sky and we each said "Happy New Year".  Welcome 2013! I will always remember 2012, but as the year draws to a close, I know that my memories will be full of both laughter and sadness...bittersweet.